Spaz

I'm a spaz. My father was a spaz before me.  I'm fairly certain I have also passed on the spaz gene, and we are anxious to see which of our brood will be the spazziest of them all. I have my money on Thing1, our eldest.

As a child, I suffered from mild insomnia.  I say this, but I don't actually know what a clinical diagnosis of insomnia involves.  I'm trying to make this sound important.  But basically I had a very vivid imagination, and I would replay terrifying images over and over again in my head once the lights were turned off at night and frighten myself so badly that I wouldn't be able to sleep (ThePrince:"What do you mean 'as a child'? You do this now, all the time."). Whenever this happened, I would find my way to my parents' bedside, watching them sleep, not wanting to wake them but very much wanting their comfort. My dad slept on the side of the bed closest to the door, so I'd usually stand there and stare at him for several minutes before tentatively reaching out a small hand to nudge him awake.

He wakes up like someone is raping him in the ass.

His whole body jerks wildly and he sits up with a slack jaw and wild eyes, shout-screaming into the dark silence.

BabyWailingDuck's Dad: "AAH!!  AAAHH!!!  WHAAAAA!! AAAAAAAAAH!!!"

BabyWailingDuck: "AAAH!!  NOOOO!!!" *sobs*

Other times, if he was watching TV or otherwise absorbed in some task and you needed to talk to him, he'd break out of his reverie with a similar overreaction.

WailingDuck: "Hey Dad?"

WailingDuck's Dad: *silence*

WailingDuck: "Dad!"

WailingDuck's Dad: "HUH! WHAT!! WHAT'S WRONG??"

WailingDuck: "Calm down! It's time to eat dinner!  You spaz."

Now that I'm grown, I'm pretty spazzy myself.  In our wedding video, there's a close-up shot of my face during our wedding vows.  ThePrince is slow.  Not dimwitted, but he does almost nothing at an expedient pace. My attractive impatient temperament ensures that his slowness drives me crazy. My spazziness means that I sometimes to react to his slowness with panic. So there's a close-up shot of my face during our wedding vows, where the officiant tells ThePrince to repeat the phrases.

Officiant: "'I, ThePrince, take you, WailingDuck.'"

ThePrince: *slight pause as he slowly takes his time to savour the moment*

WailinDuck's Face: *CRAZY PANIC EYES DID HE HEAR WHAT THE OFFICIANT SAID HE HAS TO REPEAT THE LINES OH NO HE'S NOT GOING TO MARRY ME*

ThePrince: "'I, ThePrince, take you, WailingDuck.'"

WailingDuck's Face: *Oh okay...but I'm watching you*

I'm pretty sure that my spaz tendencies have increased during pregnancy. I'm certainly more emotional, my temper is quicker, everything is in some kind of hyperdrive.  The other day we stopped in at a baby store so I could pick up a nursing bra I'd had my eye on (third baby coming up here and I have yet to find a decent nursing bra that fits my strange boobilies). I found my size, tried it on, determined it was lovely, and went to buy it.  The salesperson asked if I wanted a bag.  I did not want a bag. So I took my  new bra in its package and put it in my purse where it stuck out the top. Then we decided to walk back through the store and look at something else. I was very aware of my purchase sticking out the top of my purse without a store carrier bag to prove I had paid for it. As we were heading back to the front of the store to exit, a smiling man stopped us.

SalesGuy: "Can I help you with anything?"

WailingDuck: "I DIDN'T STEAL THIS! I PAID FOR IT! DO YOU WANT TO SEE THE RECEIPT?"

SalesGuy: (holding up his hands) "I didn't say you stole it!  I was just asking if you needed any help."

WailingDuck: "I DON'T WANT YOU TO THINK I STOLE THIS BRA! IT'S IN MY PURSE BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE I DIDN'T NEED A PLASTIC BAG! DO YOU WANT TO SEE THE RECEIPT?"

SalesGuy: "That's cool! That's cool. I didn't think you'd stolen it. I don't need to see your receipt."

WailingDuck: "I didn't steal it."

SalesGuy: (to ThePrince) "Your wife is kind of sensitive."

ThePrince: "Yes."